In a bad place

Hello, is there anybody out there?

I find myself turning to la Bella Vita for solace when everything in my life seems to be going wrong.

My relationship of over 14 years is over. At least I think it is....

It would be easier if it just was.
I hate this feeling of sickness in my stomach all day.
I hate crying all the time.
I hate ... being me at the moment.

Another year down the gurgler and I haven't done a thing to change the way I feel about myself. I haven't made one move towards the person that I want to be. And I keep blaming my husband for not allowing me the freedom to do it. I am so sick of putting everyone else first... and so sick of feeling guilty about that feeling.

All I can think of at the moment, is that this would be so much easier without distractions (or life/responsibilities as they're commonly known) ... but I have two young children and that is not going to happen.

Even the guilt I feel at thinking of my children as 'distractions' is overwhelming.

So i've been considering leaving my partner and starting a new life. I guess my thinking is that, at least if i'm doing it by myself, I am not accountable to anyone else, and can do what I want when I want... and won't be effected by his negativity. You see he's a non-believer in the food-is-an-addiction camp. His core belief is that i'm just lazy, and should stop putting food in my mouth. And I probably am and should, but that is not going to change unless my mindset changes.... and my mindset is not going to change unless I have some control over my life.

Or am I just looking for excuses again? I know that it will be MUCH harder as a single mother. I have no family support and couldn't rely on him for support either as he works all the time.

I know that so many women would be happy to have a husband that works so hard to provide for his family, but I am over it. He wants me to change and won't give me the support that I feel like I need to start the journey.

I am so unhappy with who I am, but I know that I am not strong enough to change it in my current circumstances. I've been living this life for seven years now and have just been steadily putting on weight.

I know that he would love for me to quit work, which would give me more time to sort myself out, more time with the kids, more time to sort out the housework etc in the daytime so that nights could be spent spending quality time with my family... and the thought of that is SOOOO appealing that I want to cry... but so much has happened between us over the years that i'm not sure that I can let it all just slip under the bridge... I don't TRUST him anymore....

He has been a major part of where I am in my life right now, whether intentionally or not, and every instinct in my body tells me that I will never be able to change/feel better about myself if I don't get away from him for a while.... I feel an overwhelming urge to just get away, and i'm not usually that type of girl.

The part that's messing with my mind is that i'd love to come back and spend the rest of my life with him once I'm happier with myself.... I do love the fucker after all... I just don't like the way he approaches my weight issues...

Messed.Up.

That bloody guilt raring it's head again saying 'how is it fair for you to separate your family, break up your marriage, cause THAT much hassle, just so that you can find yourself again? And then you want to come back and start again once you've got your shit together?'

...

The final straw was ringing my health fund today to ask if a nearby doctor was included in their list for lapband surgery, and finding out that I was not able to claim that surgery at all. After our discussions last year about this, and all my heartbreaking admissions to him about needing that option as a backup plan, my husband didn't increase our health cover to include that surgery - because he wanted to save $20 a week, and really just believes that I should just 'suck it up, stop eating and put in the work'.

I am Messed Up.

In the interest of FEELING...

After finding The Sad Place article after my last post, the-so-extremely-at-touch-with-her-feelings author of Your Courageous Life has now sent me some more food for thought with The Angry Place (part 1) and it's follow up The Angry Place (part 2). 

She talks eloquently about letting yourself FEEL your emotions  - because there is a REASON you are feeling them.  Your emotions are the only outlet that your body has to keep you healthy, and if you are suppressing them, you will not be operating at your best. 

*lightbulb moment*

I'll admit it.  I'm angry.  A lot.  And i've also had times when i've been very, VERY sad.  So these posts struck a chord with me.

Also this week, Elizabeth, over at Motherhood is Not for Wimps has written a post about Ayelet Waldman - Bad Mother.

Do you remember the uproar in America (a couple of?) years ago about comments that Ayelet had made about loving her husband more than her children?  Well she has since written a book about the "the hard side of motherhood – the banality, the drudgery, the negative impact it has on a marriage" and is doing wonderful things for lowering the bar for mothers.

That sounds bad, doesn't it?  But have a read of the article and tell me that you don't agree with some of her arguments.  I Dare You. *whispers* .... I Do.

Sometimes I am so ANGRY about motherhood and the change it has had on my life.  And that's where I come back to The Angry Place articles above.  

I suppress that feeling more often than not, although I am not a saint and will readily admit to many random eruptions of irrelevant anger, shouting, slamming of doors, stomping etc etc. 

I suppress the anger because I feel guilty that my love for my children isn't enough for me to be happy.    After all they are just children.  They love me unconditionally.  They don't leave their toys on the floor or spill their drink on the carpet just to get at me.  They . are . just . children.  And I so totally heart them.

How can I feel such anger/hate/rage towards my life (and by extension, them - two of the best things that ever happened to me and the reason that I want to be a better person)?  

Conundrum, much?

I just kick myself for not getting my shit together before children...

Daily Weigh Ins?

Another series of The Biggest Loser has just finished here in Australia, and when they got the final few together for their last masterclass I was astounded by one of the pieces of information they gave. 

They said to... wait for it.... WEIGH. YOURSELF. EVERY. DAY... 

Did you say EVERY DAY, Bella?  Yes Girls, EVERY FREEKIN DAY!!!!

I was a bit (like totally) gobsmacked by this. 

Aren't we told on a regular basis to NOT weigh ourselves every day.  To go by the NSV's (non scale victories), the way our clothes fit, the measurements.. anything but the figure on the scales.

So what's up with that?

Was it a specific bit of advice for those who've reached their goal and need the daily reminder for maintenance purposes?  Coz I know that i'd ABSOLUTELY DO MY HEAD IN if I was weighing myself daily...

You wanna know how I know?   Coz i've so been there.... wanting to lose weight SO badly that I was weighing myself sometimes twice a day, hoping that all the effort I was putting in would show in the one thing that (I thought) mattered (the figures). 

So that hasn't worked for me, and i'm trying something else.  What about y'all?

That being said, I do like the idea of the masterclass for the Biggest Loser contestants.  Teaching them how to do the job outside the Biggest Loser house HAS to help them with their long term weight loss.

Click here to see an article from Linda's Bandwidth about one of their Biggest Loser winners who has gained all the weight back on.

I know that we've had a few follow up stories for Biggest Loser contestants here in Australia who have put the weight back on, and it makes me ... well, bloody cranky (if i'm honest)!!!   After having such an amazing opportunity to change your life for the better without ANY of the stessors of everyday life to interfere, how RUDE of them to go and put the weight back on...  I guess it shows that you can have the result and then still lose it if you are in the wrong headspace.  

Such a complex thing, the reason that we hold on to our weight, isn't it?  ... but that's a subject for another post...