In a bad place

Hello, is there anybody out there?

I find myself turning to la Bella Vita for solace when everything in my life seems to be going wrong.

My relationship of over 14 years is over. At least I think it is....

It would be easier if it just was.
I hate this feeling of sickness in my stomach all day.
I hate crying all the time.
I hate ... being me at the moment.

Another year down the gurgler and I haven't done a thing to change the way I feel about myself. I haven't made one move towards the person that I want to be. And I keep blaming my husband for not allowing me the freedom to do it. I am so sick of putting everyone else first... and so sick of feeling guilty about that feeling.

All I can think of at the moment, is that this would be so much easier without distractions (or life/responsibilities as they're commonly known) ... but I have two young children and that is not going to happen.

Even the guilt I feel at thinking of my children as 'distractions' is overwhelming.

So i've been considering leaving my partner and starting a new life. I guess my thinking is that, at least if i'm doing it by myself, I am not accountable to anyone else, and can do what I want when I want... and won't be effected by his negativity. You see he's a non-believer in the food-is-an-addiction camp. His core belief is that i'm just lazy, and should stop putting food in my mouth. And I probably am and should, but that is not going to change unless my mindset changes.... and my mindset is not going to change unless I have some control over my life.

Or am I just looking for excuses again? I know that it will be MUCH harder as a single mother. I have no family support and couldn't rely on him for support either as he works all the time.

I know that so many women would be happy to have a husband that works so hard to provide for his family, but I am over it. He wants me to change and won't give me the support that I feel like I need to start the journey.

I am so unhappy with who I am, but I know that I am not strong enough to change it in my current circumstances. I've been living this life for seven years now and have just been steadily putting on weight.

I know that he would love for me to quit work, which would give me more time to sort myself out, more time with the kids, more time to sort out the housework etc in the daytime so that nights could be spent spending quality time with my family... and the thought of that is SOOOO appealing that I want to cry... but so much has happened between us over the years that i'm not sure that I can let it all just slip under the bridge... I don't TRUST him anymore....

He has been a major part of where I am in my life right now, whether intentionally or not, and every instinct in my body tells me that I will never be able to change/feel better about myself if I don't get away from him for a while.... I feel an overwhelming urge to just get away, and i'm not usually that type of girl.

The part that's messing with my mind is that i'd love to come back and spend the rest of my life with him once I'm happier with myself.... I do love the fucker after all... I just don't like the way he approaches my weight issues...

Messed.Up.

That bloody guilt raring it's head again saying 'how is it fair for you to separate your family, break up your marriage, cause THAT much hassle, just so that you can find yourself again? And then you want to come back and start again once you've got your shit together?'

...

The final straw was ringing my health fund today to ask if a nearby doctor was included in their list for lapband surgery, and finding out that I was not able to claim that surgery at all. After our discussions last year about this, and all my heartbreaking admissions to him about needing that option as a backup plan, my husband didn't increase our health cover to include that surgery - because he wanted to save $20 a week, and really just believes that I should just 'suck it up, stop eating and put in the work'.

I am Messed Up.