Blogland... where our dreams are achievable

I've just been a hotbed of posting goodness (or maybe badness?) this last few days, but it's because i'm just reading all these blogs and so many of them are striking a chord with me.  I so love that about blogland.

Today i've found a quote that I have so often thought that it could have come straight from my mouth...

From The Fat Chick:

It's a positive variant on the 'another year has gone by and what have I done?' message that i'm sure quite a few of us have told ourselves (or is it just me?)

Also, this little gem:

"You can either surrender to the pressures of life and the struggles of this particular battle; or you continue the fight and do so with even more vengeance and determination to reach your goals than you had before.    I choose the fight.....I know what it will get me".

Thanks, Fat Chick, those quotes are going straight to the poolroom.

I'm going to get myself a new set of scales this weekend, because (although mine say they will take up to 130kg) mine seem to have sh*t themselves.  Either i'm alot heavier than I think and i've just crushed them into submission, or that's what I get for going with the cheap ones ;P

Do you know Jack Sh*t?

So i've been into this bit of a 'feelings' thing lately... trying to analyse the WHY, WHY, WHY i'm holding on to this weight.  Because there must be some traumatic event that led me to this point, right?   Maybe?  Perhaps not...

The problem is that I don't know.   Sure i've had some issues with people in my life.  Haven't we all.  But nothing has ever happened to me that was irreversible or physically damaging.  

I have mother issues.  Anyone who knows me knows about this one.  But really... I haven't lived with my mother for nearly 20 years, how long can I keep blaming shit on her?

Next, I have domestic goddess issues.  Poor baby.  You have a bloke who loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you, you have two gorgeous children who challenge you and idolise you on a daily basis.  You have enough money to be comfortable in life.  What's your issue?

So what does that leave me with?    Me.  A big - fat - ME.   

Who is to blame for the way I am?  ME

Who hasn't made a genuine effort to change?  ME

Who blames others for the things she doesn't do?  ME

A - BIG - FAT - ME....

I'm a quitter.  Simple as that.

So, back to the motivation for this post, Jack Sh*t....

Seriously, I reckon that my style of personal trainer would just be a drill sergeant who got right up in my face and yelled 'get off that fat arse and do something with yourself, you lazy biatch!'

Sometimes I think that we overthink things too much (irony?).  Who cares about the why?  Maybe i'm so fat because i'm just depressed about being fat, and too lazy to do anything about it?  Maybe?  Definately.

I've had fat comments since I was about 10 years old (again, mother stuff).  And the sad thing?  When I look back at my earlier photos I was NO WAY NEAR fat...  but those comments, and probably my 'sensitivity' (for want of a better word) compounded the 'fat' issue as the years went by, and that put me on the long and winding journey towards morbid obesity.

Mothers, please be careful what you say to your daughters...

Anyway, the point of this post was to say, I sometimes need a kick to leave the pity party that i've been having (all on my lonesome), so please feel free to just tell it like it is. 

I really need a dose of the 'just stop whining and do it' pill ...

In the interest of FEELING...

After finding The Sad Place article after my last post, the-so-extremely-at-touch-with-her-feelings author of Your Courageous Life has now sent me some more food for thought with The Angry Place (part 1) and it's follow up The Angry Place (part 2). 

She talks eloquently about letting yourself FEEL your emotions  - because there is a REASON you are feeling them.  Your emotions are the only outlet that your body has to keep you healthy, and if you are suppressing them, you will not be operating at your best. 

*lightbulb moment*

I'll admit it.  I'm angry.  A lot.  And i've also had times when i've been very, VERY sad.  So these posts struck a chord with me.

Also this week, Elizabeth, over at Motherhood is Not for Wimps has written a post about Ayelet Waldman - Bad Mother.

Do you remember the uproar in America (a couple of?) years ago about comments that Ayelet had made about loving her husband more than her children?  Well she has since written a book about the "the hard side of motherhood – the banality, the drudgery, the negative impact it has on a marriage" and is doing wonderful things for lowering the bar for mothers.

That sounds bad, doesn't it?  But have a read of the article and tell me that you don't agree with some of her arguments.  I Dare You. *whispers* .... I Do.

Sometimes I am so ANGRY about motherhood and the change it has had on my life.  And that's where I come back to The Angry Place articles above.  

I suppress that feeling more often than not, although I am not a saint and will readily admit to many random eruptions of irrelevant anger, shouting, slamming of doors, stomping etc etc. 

I suppress the anger because I feel guilty that my love for my children isn't enough for me to be happy.    After all they are just children.  They love me unconditionally.  They don't leave their toys on the floor or spill their drink on the carpet just to get at me.  They . are . just . children.  And I so totally heart them.

How can I feel such anger/hate/rage towards my life (and by extension, them - two of the best things that ever happened to me and the reason that I want to be a better person)?  

Conundrum, much?

I just kick myself for not getting my shit together before children...

So what are you going to do about it?

We all have monsters in our closets....things that come out only in our deepest, darkest hours, then we shove them back in until our next weak moment.   Mine are my thoughts...  specifically my self-talk about whether or not i'll ever be able to get control of my weight and live the fulfilling life that I SO want to live.

The power of our mind is amazing.  I read once that, in setting ourselves unattainable goals, we are sometimes looking to fail as an excuse to keep telling ourselves, 'well, you failed at that, don't bother trying'....  why is it that we are so scared of failing in our weight loss efforts that we make it happen to ourselves?

I don't consider myself to be a quitter in everyday life.  I face challenges at work, with my children, out in the world... but in my own world, I am weak....  There, I said it. 

I am so afraid of failure (or maybe of the effort that you have to put in?) that I won't even give it a proper try.  It breaks my heart to admit it...

I went to a networking dinner with some workmates this weekend, and they had a section at the end where you had to answer a few questions about yourself...

One of them was what would you like to do before you die?

Hmm.... so easy to answer this one with a flippant "become The Rock's personal massuese" or something similar, but when the girls asked me I said 'get control of my weight, and get married... in that order'  (yes, that's right, i'm not officially married yet - I hate calling him my partner/defacto and boyfriend doesn't cut it when you've been together for like 15 years).

So anyway, the workmate sitting next to me, a lovely fit healthy outgoing lady in her late forties, says 'so what are you going to do about it?'

It was like a slap in the face, but in a good way...It made me think. 

I've wasted so many years thinking 'if I do (a), (b) or (c) like so-and-so then I will get the same results'.  When really i've been holding myself up to totally unrealistic standards.... other people's ideals.

So what am I going to do about it?

Therein lies the question.  And i've been thinking about it ever since...

I need to do something that will fit in with my life and work for ME in MY situation.  And maybe then i'll stop beating myself up for NOT doing the things that work (seemingly so easily) for others.

If you're still here after all that rambling, i'd love to hear your thoughts,

Daily Weigh Ins?

Another series of The Biggest Loser has just finished here in Australia, and when they got the final few together for their last masterclass I was astounded by one of the pieces of information they gave. 

They said to... wait for it.... WEIGH. YOURSELF. EVERY. DAY... 

Did you say EVERY DAY, Bella?  Yes Girls, EVERY FREEKIN DAY!!!!

I was a bit (like totally) gobsmacked by this. 

Aren't we told on a regular basis to NOT weigh ourselves every day.  To go by the NSV's (non scale victories), the way our clothes fit, the measurements.. anything but the figure on the scales.

So what's up with that?

Was it a specific bit of advice for those who've reached their goal and need the daily reminder for maintenance purposes?  Coz I know that i'd ABSOLUTELY DO MY HEAD IN if I was weighing myself daily...

You wanna know how I know?   Coz i've so been there.... wanting to lose weight SO badly that I was weighing myself sometimes twice a day, hoping that all the effort I was putting in would show in the one thing that (I thought) mattered (the figures). 

So that hasn't worked for me, and i'm trying something else.  What about y'all?

That being said, I do like the idea of the masterclass for the Biggest Loser contestants.  Teaching them how to do the job outside the Biggest Loser house HAS to help them with their long term weight loss.

Click here to see an article from Linda's Bandwidth about one of their Biggest Loser winners who has gained all the weight back on.

I know that we've had a few follow up stories for Biggest Loser contestants here in Australia who have put the weight back on, and it makes me ... well, bloody cranky (if i'm honest)!!!   After having such an amazing opportunity to change your life for the better without ANY of the stessors of everyday life to interfere, how RUDE of them to go and put the weight back on...  I guess it shows that you can have the result and then still lose it if you are in the wrong headspace.  

Such a complex thing, the reason that we hold on to our weight, isn't it?  ... but that's a subject for another post...