Hello? Is anybody there?
Just thought i'd better check back in after that last post and let you all know that, after much soul searching and many tears, my husband and I have decided to work on our marraige rather than throwing it all away.
He's admitted his part in what's been happening and i'm trying to accept that the situation that arose wasn't through a lack of caring, but a lack of understanding on his part.
We've been together so long that we had both started acting in ways that we thought each other wanted, and in the process we'd lost ourselves.
We've both made commitments to being happy in ourselves and are trying to see them through - can't ask for much more than that, can we?
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
In a bad place
Hello, is there anybody out there?
I find myself turning to la Bella Vita for solace when everything in my life seems to be going wrong.
My relationship of over 14 years is over. At least I think it is....
It would be easier if it just was.
I hate this feeling of sickness in my stomach all day.
I hate crying all the time.
I hate ... being me at the moment.
Another year down the gurgler and I haven't done a thing to change the way I feel about myself. I haven't made one move towards the person that I want to be. And I keep blaming my husband for not allowing me the freedom to do it. I am so sick of putting everyone else first... and so sick of feeling guilty about that feeling.
All I can think of at the moment, is that this would be so much easier without distractions (or life/responsibilities as they're commonly known) ... but I have two young children and that is not going to happen.
Even the guilt I feel at thinking of my children as 'distractions' is overwhelming.
So i've been considering leaving my partner and starting a new life. I guess my thinking is that, at least if i'm doing it by myself, I am not accountable to anyone else, and can do what I want when I want... and won't be effected by his negativity. You see he's a non-believer in the food-is-an-addiction camp. His core belief is that i'm just lazy, and should stop putting food in my mouth. And I probably am and should, but that is not going to change unless my mindset changes.... and my mindset is not going to change unless I have some control over my life.
Or am I just looking for excuses again? I know that it will be MUCH harder as a single mother. I have no family support and couldn't rely on him for support either as he works all the time.
I know that so many women would be happy to have a husband that works so hard to provide for his family, but I am over it. He wants me to change and won't give me the support that I feel like I need to start the journey.
I am so unhappy with who I am, but I know that I am not strong enough to change it in my current circumstances. I've been living this life for seven years now and have just been steadily putting on weight.
I know that he would love for me to quit work, which would give me more time to sort myself out, more time with the kids, more time to sort out the housework etc in the daytime so that nights could be spent spending quality time with my family... and the thought of that is SOOOO appealing that I want to cry... but so much has happened between us over the years that i'm not sure that I can let it all just slip under the bridge... I don't TRUST him anymore....
He has been a major part of where I am in my life right now, whether intentionally or not, and every instinct in my body tells me that I will never be able to change/feel better about myself if I don't get away from him for a while.... I feel an overwhelming urge to just get away, and i'm not usually that type of girl.
The part that's messing with my mind is that i'd love to come back and spend the rest of my life with him once I'm happier with myself.... I do love the fucker after all... I just don't like the way he approaches my weight issues...
Messed.Up.
That bloody guilt raring it's head again saying 'how is it fair for you to separate your family, break up your marriage, cause THAT much hassle, just so that you can find yourself again? And then you want to come back and start again once you've got your shit together?'
...
The final straw was ringing my health fund today to ask if a nearby doctor was included in their list for lapband surgery, and finding out that I was not able to claim that surgery at all. After our discussions last year about this, and all my heartbreaking admissions to him about needing that option as a backup plan, my husband didn't increase our health cover to include that surgery - because he wanted to save $20 a week, and really just believes that I should just 'suck it up, stop eating and put in the work'.
I am Messed Up.
I find myself turning to la Bella Vita for solace when everything in my life seems to be going wrong.
My relationship of over 14 years is over. At least I think it is....
It would be easier if it just was.
I hate this feeling of sickness in my stomach all day.
I hate crying all the time.
I hate ... being me at the moment.
Another year down the gurgler and I haven't done a thing to change the way I feel about myself. I haven't made one move towards the person that I want to be. And I keep blaming my husband for not allowing me the freedom to do it. I am so sick of putting everyone else first... and so sick of feeling guilty about that feeling.
All I can think of at the moment, is that this would be so much easier without distractions (or life/responsibilities as they're commonly known) ... but I have two young children and that is not going to happen.
Even the guilt I feel at thinking of my children as 'distractions' is overwhelming.
So i've been considering leaving my partner and starting a new life. I guess my thinking is that, at least if i'm doing it by myself, I am not accountable to anyone else, and can do what I want when I want... and won't be effected by his negativity. You see he's a non-believer in the food-is-an-addiction camp. His core belief is that i'm just lazy, and should stop putting food in my mouth. And I probably am and should, but that is not going to change unless my mindset changes.... and my mindset is not going to change unless I have some control over my life.
Or am I just looking for excuses again? I know that it will be MUCH harder as a single mother. I have no family support and couldn't rely on him for support either as he works all the time.
I know that so many women would be happy to have a husband that works so hard to provide for his family, but I am over it. He wants me to change and won't give me the support that I feel like I need to start the journey.
I am so unhappy with who I am, but I know that I am not strong enough to change it in my current circumstances. I've been living this life for seven years now and have just been steadily putting on weight.
I know that he would love for me to quit work, which would give me more time to sort myself out, more time with the kids, more time to sort out the housework etc in the daytime so that nights could be spent spending quality time with my family... and the thought of that is SOOOO appealing that I want to cry... but so much has happened between us over the years that i'm not sure that I can let it all just slip under the bridge... I don't TRUST him anymore....
He has been a major part of where I am in my life right now, whether intentionally or not, and every instinct in my body tells me that I will never be able to change/feel better about myself if I don't get away from him for a while.... I feel an overwhelming urge to just get away, and i'm not usually that type of girl.
The part that's messing with my mind is that i'd love to come back and spend the rest of my life with him once I'm happier with myself.... I do love the fucker after all... I just don't like the way he approaches my weight issues...
Messed.Up.
That bloody guilt raring it's head again saying 'how is it fair for you to separate your family, break up your marriage, cause THAT much hassle, just so that you can find yourself again? And then you want to come back and start again once you've got your shit together?'
...
The final straw was ringing my health fund today to ask if a nearby doctor was included in their list for lapband surgery, and finding out that I was not able to claim that surgery at all. After our discussions last year about this, and all my heartbreaking admissions to him about needing that option as a backup plan, my husband didn't increase our health cover to include that surgery - because he wanted to save $20 a week, and really just believes that I should just 'suck it up, stop eating and put in the work'.
I am Messed Up.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Teachers... Guardians of our future...
As she stood in front of her 5th grade class on the very first day of school, she told the children an untruth. Like most teachers, she looked at her students and said that she loved them all the same. However, that was impossible, because there in the front row, slumped in his seat, was a little boy named Teddy Stoddard.
Mrs Thompson had watched Teddy the year before and noticed that he did not play well with the other children, that his clothes were messy and that he constantly needed a bath. In addition, Teddy could be unpleasant. It got to the point where Mrs Thompson would actually take delight in marking his papers with a broad red pen, making bold X's and then putting a big 'F' at the top of his papers.
At the school where Mrs Thompson taught, she was required to review each child's past records and she put Teddy's off until last. However, when she reviewed his file, she was in for a surprise.
Teddy's first grade teacher wrote, 'Teddy is a bright child with a ready laugh. He does his work neatly and has good manners... he is a joy to be around..'
His second grade teacher wrote, 'Teddy is an excellent student, well liked by his classmates, but he is troubled because his mother has a terminal illness and life at home must be a struggle.'
His third grade teacher wrote, 'His mother's death has been hard on him. He tries to do his best, but his father doesn't show much interest, and his home life will soon affect him if some steps aren't taken.'
Teddy's fourth grade teacher wrote, 'Teddy is withdrawn and doesn't show much interest in school. He doesn't have many friends and he sometimes sleeps in class.'
By now, Mrs Thompson realized the problem and she was ashamed of herself. She felt even worse when her students brought her Christmas presents, wrapped in beautiful ribbons and bright paper, except for Teddy's. His present was clumsily wrapped in the heavy, brown paper that he got from a grocery bag.
Mrs Thompson took pains to open it in the middle of the other presents. Some of the children started to laugh when she found a rhinestone bracelet with some of the stones missing, and a bottle that was one-quarter full of perfume. But she stifled the children's laughter when she exclaimed how pretty the bracelet was, putting it on, and dabbing some of the perfume on her wrist. Teddy Stoddard stayed after school that day just long enough to say, 'Mrs Thompson, today you smelled just like my Mom used to.'
After the children left, she cried for at least an hour. On that very day, she quit teaching reading, writing and arithmetic. Instead, she began to teach children. Mrs Thompson paid particular attention to Teddy. As she worked with him, his mind seemed to come alive. The more she encouraged him, the faster he responded. By the end of the year, Teddy had become one of the smartest children in the class and, despite her lie that she would love all the children the same, Teddy became one of her 'teacher's pets..'
A year later, she found a note under her door, from Teddy, telling her that she was the best teacher he ever had in his whole life.
Six years went by before she got another note from Teddy. He then wrote that he had finished high school, third in his class, and she was still the best teacher he ever had in life.
Four years after that, she got another letter, saying that while things had been tough at times, he'd stayed in school, had stuck w ith it, and would soon graduate from college with the highest of honours. He assured Mrs. Thompson that she was still the best and favorite teacher he had ever had in his whole life.
Then four more years passed and yet another letter came. This time he explained that after he got his bachelor's degree, he decided to go a little further. The letter explained that she was still the best and favorite teacher he ever had. But now his name was a little longer.... The letter was signed, Theodore F. Stoddard, MD.
The story does not end there.
You see, there was yet another letter that spring. Teddy said he had met this girl and was going to be married. He explained that his father had died a couple of years ago and he was wondering if Mrs Thompson might agree to sit at the wedding in the place that was usually reserved for the mother of the groom.
Of course, Mrs. Thompson did. And guess what? She wore that bracelet, the one with several rhinestones missing. Moreover, she made sure she was wearing the perfume that Teddy remembered his mother wearing on their last Christmas together.
They hugged each other, and Dr Stoddard whispered in Mrs Thompson's ear, 'Thank you Mrs Thompson for believing in me. Thank you so much for making me feel important and showing me that I could make a difference.'
Mrs Thompson, with tears in her eyes, whispered back.. 'Teddy, you have it all wrong. You were the one who taught me that I could make a difference. I didn't know how to teach until I met you.'
It might be an urban legend, but this ol' tear jerker still has a great message...
Mrs Thompson had watched Teddy the year before and noticed that he did not play well with the other children, that his clothes were messy and that he constantly needed a bath. In addition, Teddy could be unpleasant. It got to the point where Mrs Thompson would actually take delight in marking his papers with a broad red pen, making bold X's and then putting a big 'F' at the top of his papers.
At the school where Mrs Thompson taught, she was required to review each child's past records and she put Teddy's off until last. However, when she reviewed his file, she was in for a surprise.
Teddy's first grade teacher wrote, 'Teddy is a bright child with a ready laugh. He does his work neatly and has good manners... he is a joy to be around..'
His second grade teacher wrote, 'Teddy is an excellent student, well liked by his classmates, but he is troubled because his mother has a terminal illness and life at home must be a struggle.'
His third grade teacher wrote, 'His mother's death has been hard on him. He tries to do his best, but his father doesn't show much interest, and his home life will soon affect him if some steps aren't taken.'
Teddy's fourth grade teacher wrote, 'Teddy is withdrawn and doesn't show much interest in school. He doesn't have many friends and he sometimes sleeps in class.'
By now, Mrs Thompson realized the problem and she was ashamed of herself. She felt even worse when her students brought her Christmas presents, wrapped in beautiful ribbons and bright paper, except for Teddy's. His present was clumsily wrapped in the heavy, brown paper that he got from a grocery bag.
Mrs Thompson took pains to open it in the middle of the other presents. Some of the children started to laugh when she found a rhinestone bracelet with some of the stones missing, and a bottle that was one-quarter full of perfume. But she stifled the children's laughter when she exclaimed how pretty the bracelet was, putting it on, and dabbing some of the perfume on her wrist. Teddy Stoddard stayed after school that day just long enough to say, 'Mrs Thompson, today you smelled just like my Mom used to.'
After the children left, she cried for at least an hour. On that very day, she quit teaching reading, writing and arithmetic. Instead, she began to teach children. Mrs Thompson paid particular attention to Teddy. As she worked with him, his mind seemed to come alive. The more she encouraged him, the faster he responded. By the end of the year, Teddy had become one of the smartest children in the class and, despite her lie that she would love all the children the same, Teddy became one of her 'teacher's pets..'
A year later, she found a note under her door, from Teddy, telling her that she was the best teacher he ever had in his whole life.
Six years went by before she got another note from Teddy. He then wrote that he had finished high school, third in his class, and she was still the best teacher he ever had in life.
Four years after that, she got another letter, saying that while things had been tough at times, he'd stayed in school, had stuck w ith it, and would soon graduate from college with the highest of honours. He assured Mrs. Thompson that she was still the best and favorite teacher he had ever had in his whole life.
Then four more years passed and yet another letter came. This time he explained that after he got his bachelor's degree, he decided to go a little further. The letter explained that she was still the best and favorite teacher he ever had. But now his name was a little longer.... The letter was signed, Theodore F. Stoddard, MD.
The story does not end there.
You see, there was yet another letter that spring. Teddy said he had met this girl and was going to be married. He explained that his father had died a couple of years ago and he was wondering if Mrs Thompson might agree to sit at the wedding in the place that was usually reserved for the mother of the groom.
Of course, Mrs. Thompson did. And guess what? She wore that bracelet, the one with several rhinestones missing. Moreover, she made sure she was wearing the perfume that Teddy remembered his mother wearing on their last Christmas together.
They hugged each other, and Dr Stoddard whispered in Mrs Thompson's ear, 'Thank you Mrs Thompson for believing in me. Thank you so much for making me feel important and showing me that I could make a difference.'
Mrs Thompson, with tears in her eyes, whispered back.. 'Teddy, you have it all wrong. You were the one who taught me that I could make a difference. I didn't know how to teach until I met you.'
It might be an urban legend, but this ol' tear jerker still has a great message...
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Are you part of the Lost Generation?
Very thought provoking.... I can totally see how much my apathetic attitude towards my weight is just reinforcing my bad behaviours in relation to getting control of my weight...
So interesting to see how the same words can means such different things...
Monday, June 14, 2010
Towel Surfing in Australia
Tomorrow is my birthday which has been been a time of reflection for me this year. Will be back with some thoughts about the direction of my journey then....
Until then, enjoy this tasty little tidbit... it's one of my favourites, so I hope y'all like it too!
xx
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Say Cheese!
Wouldn't you just love to be caught up in a flash mob? I sooo would.
Love them!
I may be distracting myself from the job at hand.... finally got new scales and i'm up (128.3kg), although not as badly as I thought I would be from how grose i'm feeling lately... but that's another post entirely...
Now i'm all songed and flash mobbed out, and it's time to go to bed. I swear i'm looking forward to hubby getting home so that I can get a good nights' sleep... don't like going to bed alone...
Night, night girls xx
Friday, June 11, 2010
Permission to Shine
Hey, what would you say if I can't play the hero tonight
'Cause lately i've been feeling like I can't get anything right
I've been fading into the woodwork again,
and I've been thinking like I just wanna hide
But guess what? I'm gonna try something just a little bit different this time...
I'm gonna give myself permission to shine
I'm gonna shine so bright,
gonna make every head wanna turn and you're finally gonna see me
Give myself permission to shine
I'm gonna light up the night and shine a little of my light on the world
I've been crazy, i've been holding myself back for so long
But i've got so much I can give, don't wanna be afraid to be wrong
You know i'm not too good at too many things,
but i've been getting real good at getting down on myself
But guess what?
I'm gonna try to break free from this prison i've built...
I'm gonna give myself permission to shine
I'm gonna shine so bright,
gonna make every head wanna turn and they're finally gonna see me
Give myself permission to shine
I wanna light up the night and shine a little of my light on the world
Heard this song today and thought i'd share, a bit of motivation never goes astray. It's by Bachelor Girl, an australian band from the early 1990's.
And that got my onto wanting to share some of our great music with y'all that might not have heard it (like, those of you from the U-S of A)...
and THAT got me onto finding a music player to embed on la Bella Vita....
and THAT got me onto finding a songs to share with you... well, you get the picture.
If you don't want to listen, just click the pause button when you enter and it'll shut up... but then I may just have to track you down and send you a personal vlog of my singstar efforts, from which your ears and eyes might never recover...
;P
What songs rock your boat?
'Cause lately i've been feeling like I can't get anything right
I've been fading into the woodwork again,
and I've been thinking like I just wanna hide
But guess what? I'm gonna try something just a little bit different this time...
I'm gonna give myself permission to shine
I'm gonna shine so bright,
gonna make every head wanna turn and you're finally gonna see me
Give myself permission to shine
I'm gonna light up the night and shine a little of my light on the world
I've been crazy, i've been holding myself back for so long
But i've got so much I can give, don't wanna be afraid to be wrong
You know i'm not too good at too many things,
but i've been getting real good at getting down on myself
But guess what?
I'm gonna try to break free from this prison i've built...
I'm gonna give myself permission to shine
I'm gonna shine so bright,
gonna make every head wanna turn and they're finally gonna see me
Give myself permission to shine
I wanna light up the night and shine a little of my light on the world
Heard this song today and thought i'd share, a bit of motivation never goes astray. It's by Bachelor Girl, an australian band from the early 1990's.
And that got my onto wanting to share some of our great music with y'all that might not have heard it (like, those of you from the U-S of A)...
and THAT got me onto finding a music player to embed on la Bella Vita....
and THAT got me onto finding a songs to share with you... well, you get the picture.
If you don't want to listen, just click the pause button when you enter and it'll shut up... but then I may just have to track you down and send you a personal vlog of my singstar efforts, from which your ears and eyes might never recover...
;P
What songs rock your boat?
Monday, June 7, 2010
Dear Blogger
And when it said you are now following la Bella Vita, I tried to fix it... I really did.
But you keep giving me an error message... and now I look like i'm sad enough to try and bump up my numbers by becoming my own friend.
So if anyone happens to notice that i'm my own friend (well you will now!) ... please be aware that although I like myself, I don't luuuurve myself to the extent that i'll befriend myself on the internet.
United States of Bella?
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Helicopter Parenting
I found an article today through this post by Damomma about helicopter parenting that struck a chord with me on so many levels.
You see, my son is only in kindergarten and already has me hovering around his school like a blackhawk... and I just learned that my daughter might have some of the same issues ... issues with authority ... part of the reason I was so interested in the article below.
I was surprisingly very emotional when reading this article by Susan Gregory Thomas about how Generation X kids overcompensate in parenting their children.
It's obviously something I need to explore a whole lot more, because it was the WHY that got to me... Here's a taste test for you:
I've told myself so many times.. 'I don't know what your issue is, so many kids had it much worse than you' and i've guilted myself into tucking those feelings away as invalid... maybe they aren't so invalid. Maybe I was just a kid that needed somebody else to take responsibility .... needed parents?
Am I overcompensating with my children (and thus enabling their behaviour issues at school) because of what I didn't get as a child? How do I fix it?
Food for thought... Anyone else?
You see, my son is only in kindergarten and already has me hovering around his school like a blackhawk... and I just learned that my daughter might have some of the same issues ... issues with authority ... part of the reason I was so interested in the article below.
I was surprisingly very emotional when reading this article by Susan Gregory Thomas about how Generation X kids overcompensate in parenting their children.
It's obviously something I need to explore a whole lot more, because it was the WHY that got to me... Here's a taste test for you:
If you want to know what's unhealed from your own childhood, have children. Key to decoding our parental behavior is understanding that we are, albeit often unconsciously, doing for our children what no one did for us..... For starters, we are ferocious advocates for our kid.
Generation X ..."went through its all-important formative years as one of the least parented, least nurtured generations in .... history." Little wonder: Half of all Gen Xers' parents are divorced. We were the first to be raised in record numbers in day care, and some 40 percent of us were latchkey kids.
We've been taking care of ourselves since we started going to school, and we don't trust authority figures, because they weren't trustworthy when we were growing up. Our parents didn't know what was going on at school, and our teachers didn't know what was going on at home. We're not going to let this happen to our children -- not even for a second. We'll do whatever we have to do to make sure our kids get what they need.This explains my feeling of being neglected as a child (even though I was clothed, fed, warm).
I've told myself so many times.. 'I don't know what your issue is, so many kids had it much worse than you' and i've guilted myself into tucking those feelings away as invalid... maybe they aren't so invalid. Maybe I was just a kid that needed somebody else to take responsibility .... needed parents?
Am I overcompensating with my children (and thus enabling their behaviour issues at school) because of what I didn't get as a child? How do I fix it?
Food for thought... Anyone else?
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Blogland... where our dreams are achievable
I've just been a hotbed of posting goodness (or maybe badness?) this last few days, but it's because i'm just reading all these blogs and so many of them are striking a chord with me. I so love that about blogland.
Today i've found a quote that I have so often thought that it could have come straight from my mouth...
From The Fat Chick:
It's a positive variant on the 'another year has gone by and what have I done?' message that i'm sure quite a few of us have told ourselves (or is it just me?)
Also, this little gem:
"You can either surrender to the pressures of life and the struggles of this particular battle; or you continue the fight and do so with even more vengeance and determination to reach your goals than you had before. I choose the fight.....I know what it will get me".
Thanks, Fat Chick, those quotes are going straight to the poolroom.
I'm going to get myself a new set of scales this weekend, because (although mine say they will take up to 130kg) mine seem to have sh*t themselves. Either i'm alot heavier than I think and i've just crushed them into submission, or that's what I get for going with the cheap ones ;P
Today i've found a quote that I have so often thought that it could have come straight from my mouth...
From The Fat Chick:
It's a positive variant on the 'another year has gone by and what have I done?' message that i'm sure quite a few of us have told ourselves (or is it just me?)
Also, this little gem:
"You can either surrender to the pressures of life and the struggles of this particular battle; or you continue the fight and do so with even more vengeance and determination to reach your goals than you had before. I choose the fight.....I know what it will get me".
Thanks, Fat Chick, those quotes are going straight to the poolroom.
I'm going to get myself a new set of scales this weekend, because (although mine say they will take up to 130kg) mine seem to have sh*t themselves. Either i'm alot heavier than I think and i've just crushed them into submission, or that's what I get for going with the cheap ones ;P
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Do you know Jack Sh*t?
So i've been into this bit of a 'feelings' thing lately... trying to analyse the WHY, WHY, WHY i'm holding on to this weight. Because there must be some traumatic event that led me to this point, right? Maybe? Perhaps not...
The problem is that I don't know. Sure i've had some issues with people in my life. Haven't we all. But nothing has ever happened to me that was irreversible or physically damaging.
I have mother issues. Anyone who knows me knows about this one. But really... I haven't lived with my mother for nearly 20 years, how long can I keep blaming shit on her?
Next, I have domestic goddess issues. Poor baby. You have a bloke who loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you, you have two gorgeous children who challenge you and idolise you on a daily basis. You have enough money to be comfortable in life. What's your issue?
So what does that leave me with? Me. A big - fat - ME.
A - BIG - FAT - ME....
I'm a quitter. Simple as that.
Sometimes I think that we overthink things too much (irony?). Who cares about the why? Maybe i'm so fat because i'm just depressed about being fat, and too lazy to do anything about it? Maybe? Definately.
I really need a dose of the 'just stop whining and do it' pill ...
The problem is that I don't know. Sure i've had some issues with people in my life. Haven't we all. But nothing has ever happened to me that was irreversible or physically damaging.
I have mother issues. Anyone who knows me knows about this one. But really... I haven't lived with my mother for nearly 20 years, how long can I keep blaming shit on her?
Next, I have domestic goddess issues. Poor baby. You have a bloke who loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you, you have two gorgeous children who challenge you and idolise you on a daily basis. You have enough money to be comfortable in life. What's your issue?
So what does that leave me with? Me. A big - fat - ME.
Who is to blame for the way I am? ME
Who hasn't made a genuine effort to change? ME
Who blames others for the things she doesn't do? ME
A - BIG - FAT - ME....
I'm a quitter. Simple as that.
So, back to the motivation for this post, Jack Sh*t....
Seriously, I reckon that my style of personal trainer would just be a drill sergeant who got right up in my face and yelled 'get off that fat arse and do something with yourself, you lazy biatch!'
Sometimes I think that we overthink things too much (irony?). Who cares about the why? Maybe i'm so fat because i'm just depressed about being fat, and too lazy to do anything about it? Maybe? Definately.
I've had fat comments since I was about 10 years old (again, mother stuff). And the sad thing? When I look back at my earlier photos I was NO WAY NEAR fat... but those comments, and probably my 'sensitivity' (for want of a better word) compounded the 'fat' issue as the years went by, and that put me on the long and winding journey towards morbid obesity.
Mothers, please be careful what you say to your daughters...
Anyway, the point of this post was to say, I sometimes need a kick to leave the pity party that i've been having (all on my lonesome), so please feel free to just tell it like it is.
I really need a dose of the 'just stop whining and do it' pill ...
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
In the interest of FEELING...
After finding The Sad Place article after my last post, the-so-extremely-at-touch-with-her-feelings author of Your Courageous Life has now sent me some more food for thought with The Angry Place (part 1) and it's follow up The Angry Place (part 2).
She talks eloquently about letting yourself FEEL your emotions - because there is a REASON you are feeling them. Your emotions are the only outlet that your body has to keep you healthy, and if you are suppressing them, you will not be operating at your best.
*lightbulb moment*
I'll admit it. I'm angry. A lot. And i've also had times when i've been very, VERY sad. So these posts struck a chord with me.
Also this week, Elizabeth, over at Motherhood is Not for Wimps has written a post about Ayelet Waldman - Bad Mother.
Do you remember the uproar in America (a couple of?) years ago about comments that Ayelet had made about loving her husband more than her children? Well she has since written a book about the "the hard side of motherhood – the banality, the drudgery, the negative impact it has on a marriage" and is doing wonderful things for lowering the bar for mothers.
That sounds bad, doesn't it? But have a read of the article and tell me that you don't agree with some of her arguments. I Dare You. *whispers* .... I Do.
Sometimes I am so ANGRY about motherhood and the change it has had on my life. And that's where I come back to The Angry Place articles above.
I suppress that feeling more often than not, although I am not a saint and will readily admit to many random eruptions of irrelevant anger, shouting, slamming of doors, stomping etc etc.
I suppress the anger because I feel guilty that my love for my children isn't enough for me to be happy. After all they are just children. They love me unconditionally. They don't leave their toys on the floor or spill their drink on the carpet just to get at me. They . are . just . children. And I so totally heart them.
How can I feel such anger/hate/rage towards my life (and by extension, them - two of the best things that ever happened to me and the reason that I want to be a better person)?
Conundrum, much?
I just kick myself for not getting my shit together before children...
Sunday, May 23, 2010
So what are you going to do about it?
We all have monsters in our closets....things that come out only in our deepest, darkest hours, then we shove them back in until our next weak moment. Mine are my thoughts... specifically my self-talk about whether or not i'll ever be able to get control of my weight and live the fulfilling life that I SO want to live.
The power of our mind is amazing. I read once that, in setting ourselves unattainable goals, we are sometimes looking to fail as an excuse to keep telling ourselves, 'well, you failed at that, don't bother trying'.... why is it that we are so scared of failing in our weight loss efforts that we make it happen to ourselves?
I don't consider myself to be a quitter in everyday life. I face challenges at work, with my children, out in the world... but in my own world, I am weak.... There, I said it.
I am so afraid of failure (or maybe of the effort that you have to put in?) that I won't even give it a proper try. It breaks my heart to admit it...
I went to a networking dinner with some workmates this weekend, and they had a section at the end where you had to answer a few questions about yourself...
One of them was what would you like to do before you die?
Hmm.... so easy to answer this one with a flippant "become The Rock's personal massuese" or something similar, but when the girls asked me I said 'get control of my weight, and get married... in that order' (yes, that's right, i'm not officially married yet - I hate calling him my partner/defacto and boyfriend doesn't cut it when you've been together for like 15 years).
So anyway, the workmate sitting next to me, a lovely fit healthy outgoing lady in her late forties, says 'so what are you going to do about it?'
It was like a slap in the face, but in a good way...It made me think.
I've wasted so many years thinking 'if I do (a), (b) or (c) like so-and-so then I will get the same results'. When really i've been holding myself up to totally unrealistic standards.... other people's ideals.
So what am I going to do about it?
Therein lies the question. And i've been thinking about it ever since...
I need to do something that will fit in with my life and work for ME in MY situation. And maybe then i'll stop beating myself up for NOT doing the things that work (seemingly so easily) for others.
If you're still here after all that rambling, i'd love to hear your thoughts,
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Daily Weigh Ins?
Another series of The Biggest Loser has just finished here in Australia, and when they got the final few together for their last masterclass I was astounded by one of the pieces of information they gave.
They said to... wait for it.... WEIGH. YOURSELF. EVERY. DAY...
Did you say EVERY DAY, Bella? Yes Girls, EVERY FREEKIN DAY!!!!
I was a bit (like totally) gobsmacked by this.
Aren't we told on a regular basis to NOT weigh ourselves every day. To go by the NSV's (non scale victories), the way our clothes fit, the measurements.. anything but the figure on the scales.
So what's up with that?
Was it a specific bit of advice for those who've reached their goal and need the daily reminder for maintenance purposes? Coz I know that i'd ABSOLUTELY DO MY HEAD IN if I was weighing myself daily...
You wanna know how I know? Coz i've so been there.... wanting to lose weight SO badly that I was weighing myself sometimes twice a day, hoping that all the effort I was putting in would show in the one thing that (I thought) mattered (the figures).
So that hasn't worked for me, and i'm trying something else. What about y'all?
That being said, I do like the idea of the masterclass for the Biggest Loser contestants. Teaching them how to do the job outside the Biggest Loser house HAS to help them with their long term weight loss.
Click here to see an article from Linda's Bandwidth about one of their Biggest Loser winners who has gained all the weight back on.
I know that we've had a few follow up stories for Biggest Loser contestants here in Australia who have put the weight back on, and it makes me ... well, bloody cranky (if i'm honest)!!! After having such an amazing opportunity to change your life for the better without ANY of the stessors of everyday life to interfere, how RUDE of them to go and put the weight back on... I guess it shows that you can have the result and then still lose it if you are in the wrong headspace.
Such a complex thing, the reason that we hold on to our weight, isn't it? ... but that's a subject for another post...
They said to... wait for it.... WEIGH. YOURSELF. EVERY. DAY...
Did you say EVERY DAY, Bella? Yes Girls, EVERY FREEKIN DAY!!!!
I was a bit (like totally) gobsmacked by this.
Aren't we told on a regular basis to NOT weigh ourselves every day. To go by the NSV's (non scale victories), the way our clothes fit, the measurements.. anything but the figure on the scales.
So what's up with that?
Was it a specific bit of advice for those who've reached their goal and need the daily reminder for maintenance purposes? Coz I know that i'd ABSOLUTELY DO MY HEAD IN if I was weighing myself daily...
You wanna know how I know? Coz i've so been there.... wanting to lose weight SO badly that I was weighing myself sometimes twice a day, hoping that all the effort I was putting in would show in the one thing that (I thought) mattered (the figures).
So that hasn't worked for me, and i'm trying something else. What about y'all?
That being said, I do like the idea of the masterclass for the Biggest Loser contestants. Teaching them how to do the job outside the Biggest Loser house HAS to help them with their long term weight loss.
Click here to see an article from Linda's Bandwidth about one of their Biggest Loser winners who has gained all the weight back on.
I know that we've had a few follow up stories for Biggest Loser contestants here in Australia who have put the weight back on, and it makes me ... well, bloody cranky (if i'm honest)!!! After having such an amazing opportunity to change your life for the better without ANY of the stessors of everyday life to interfere, how RUDE of them to go and put the weight back on... I guess it shows that you can have the result and then still lose it if you are in the wrong headspace.
Such a complex thing, the reason that we hold on to our weight, isn't it? ... but that's a subject for another post...
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Back to Work
So i'm back at work, the kids are back at school, i'm back to running backwards and forwards from my job, to school, to the babysitters, back to work, back to the babysitters... you get the idea...
The gym room hasn't eventuated yet, and i'm definately not cracking on the exercise front, but i'm trying to do a little bit every day.
I figure what i've been doing in the past obviously isn't working, so every change that I make (no matter how small) has to help me sort out what will make a difference.
At this point it's hour by hour... I try to start each hour fresh and forgive myself if I wasn't so good the last hour, and tell myself that my past decisions don't have to effect my future... Airy fairy? Perhaps, but it seems to be helping me :)
They say it takes 30 days to change a habit, and that's my motivation to keep at it. Hopefully i'll eventually make it a day by day prospect, then a month by month prospect and by the time I get to a yearly breakdown of my life, I reckon i'll be pretty darn happy with the way it's going (and I can't WAIT for that day!)
So here's to small changes and big hearts, and to all you girls out there who share your stories and allow the rest of us to remember that even the success stories started out in another place entirely.
xx's from Bella
**I weighed myself last night and was 124.6kg, a nice little loss to go along with my nice new attitude!**
The gym room hasn't eventuated yet, and i'm definately not cracking on the exercise front, but i'm trying to do a little bit every day.
I figure what i've been doing in the past obviously isn't working, so every change that I make (no matter how small) has to help me sort out what will make a difference.
At this point it's hour by hour... I try to start each hour fresh and forgive myself if I wasn't so good the last hour, and tell myself that my past decisions don't have to effect my future... Airy fairy? Perhaps, but it seems to be helping me :)
They say it takes 30 days to change a habit, and that's my motivation to keep at it. Hopefully i'll eventually make it a day by day prospect, then a month by month prospect and by the time I get to a yearly breakdown of my life, I reckon i'll be pretty darn happy with the way it's going (and I can't WAIT for that day!)
So here's to small changes and big hearts, and to all you girls out there who share your stories and allow the rest of us to remember that even the success stories started out in another place entirely.
xx's from Bella
**I weighed myself last night and was 124.6kg, a nice little loss to go along with my nice new attitude!**
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Five's a crowd?
Seeking feedback:
Family of four.
Father in good reliable job.
Mother in full time work for 1 year, maybe longer, not permanent.
Parents aged 34 and 36 (Mother older).
Parents 'comfortable' enough financially....
Children seeking younger sibling....
Mother 'sterilised' after 'repairs' from previous births.
Parents both with STRONG nesting urge....
Mother worried about regrets....
Life/love/another child versus money?
Has anyone been in this situation?
Thoughts?
Family of four.
Father in good reliable job.
Mother in full time work for 1 year, maybe longer, not permanent.
Parents aged 34 and 36 (Mother older).
Parents 'comfortable' enough financially....
Children seeking younger sibling....
Mother 'sterilised' after 'repairs' from previous births.
Parents both with STRONG nesting urge....
Mother worried about regrets....
Life/love/another child versus money?
Has anyone been in this situation?
Thoughts?
Monday, April 12, 2010
Just a Quickie
Hubby's home early from away, so back to sneakily enjoying the blog whilst he's at work!
I've been putting off doing the actual statistics post for various reasons, but don't want to any longer. I'm just going to hold my breath and dive right in...
When I was blogging last (1996), I remember commenting that my weight was getting dangerously close to 120kg... Since then I returned to part time work and lost 11kg with no effort at all, it was GREAT! Then the work ended and I renewed my friendship with my best/worst friend (the fridge) and my weight went back up to 119kg or so.
Well, this year i've returned to work full time and was hoping to have a loss similar to the one I had when I returned to work last time - after all, the fridge and me have got at least 6 hours a day when we are apart.
It hasn't happened. I'm SO dissappointed, and now know that I have to put in the hard yards. And my motivating factor? (besides life, you mean Bella?) is that special occasion that I want to be my best for next year.
So in the interest of full transparency... my name is Bella and i'm a food addict...at this moment, I weigh 127.8kg, and I need help.
It's not like i've ever been a skinny girl, and I have ideas about the issues and reasons for this gain in weight, but at this point I feel the need to just DO SOMETHING.... anything.... I can get into the whys once the journey has begun.
So i've loaded up the ipod with music and am ready to start cracking on the exercise front.... well maybe fizzing initially, and i'll work my way up to cracking!
We're clearing a room in the next couple of weeks so that I can set up the 'gym' and I can't wait to be able to have all my equipment in the same place, ready to design a little circuit for myself.
Am feeling very motivated, which is easy to do whilst on hoildays from work!
Will let y'all know how it's going in a couple of days. Take care of you xx
I've been putting off doing the actual statistics post for various reasons, but don't want to any longer. I'm just going to hold my breath and dive right in...
When I was blogging last (1996), I remember commenting that my weight was getting dangerously close to 120kg... Since then I returned to part time work and lost 11kg with no effort at all, it was GREAT! Then the work ended and I renewed my friendship with my best/worst friend (the fridge) and my weight went back up to 119kg or so.
Well, this year i've returned to work full time and was hoping to have a loss similar to the one I had when I returned to work last time - after all, the fridge and me have got at least 6 hours a day when we are apart.
It hasn't happened. I'm SO dissappointed, and now know that I have to put in the hard yards. And my motivating factor? (besides life, you mean Bella?) is that special occasion that I want to be my best for next year.
So in the interest of full transparency... my name is Bella and i'm a food addict...at this moment, I weigh 127.8kg, and I need help.
It's not like i've ever been a skinny girl, and I have ideas about the issues and reasons for this gain in weight, but at this point I feel the need to just DO SOMETHING.... anything.... I can get into the whys once the journey has begun.
So i've loaded up the ipod with music and am ready to start cracking on the exercise front.... well maybe fizzing initially, and i'll work my way up to cracking!
We're clearing a room in the next couple of weeks so that I can set up the 'gym' and I can't wait to be able to have all my equipment in the same place, ready to design a little circuit for myself.
Am feeling very motivated, which is easy to do whilst on hoildays from work!
Will let y'all know how it's going in a couple of days. Take care of you xx
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Reflection
Look at me, you may think you see who I really am, but you'll never know me -
Every day it's as if I play a part.
Now I see, if I wear a mask I can fool the world, but I can not fool my heart.
Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me?
When will me reflection show who I am inside?
I am now in a world where I have to hide my heart, and what I believe in.
But somehow I will show the world what's inside my heart, and be loved for who I am.
Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that I'm someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show who I am inside?
There's a heart that must be free to fly, that burns with a need to know the reason why.
Why must we all conceal what we think, how we feel?
Must there be a secret me I'm forced to hide?
I won't pretend that I'm someone else for all time,
When will my reflection show who I am inside?
When will my reflection show who I am inside?
Hear this song by Christina Aguilera from the Disney movie Mulan [1998]
PS - it's probably better that you just listen, unless you want to have a good laugh - Christina was so VERY dramatic back then (I guess I can forgive her because her voice ROCKS!)
Or there's the movie version of the song by the fabulous Lea Salonga, which I like even more than Xtina's version because it's just a little bit more 'true'.
Every day it's as if I play a part.
Now I see, if I wear a mask I can fool the world, but I can not fool my heart.
Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me?
When will me reflection show who I am inside?
I am now in a world where I have to hide my heart, and what I believe in.
But somehow I will show the world what's inside my heart, and be loved for who I am.
Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that I'm someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show who I am inside?
There's a heart that must be free to fly, that burns with a need to know the reason why.
Why must we all conceal what we think, how we feel?
Must there be a secret me I'm forced to hide?
I won't pretend that I'm someone else for all time,
When will my reflection show who I am inside?
When will my reflection show who I am inside?
Hear this song by Christina Aguilera from the Disney movie Mulan [1998]
PS - it's probably better that you just listen, unless you want to have a good laugh - Christina was so VERY dramatic back then (I guess I can forgive her because her voice ROCKS!)
Or there's the movie version of the song by the fabulous Lea Salonga, which I like even more than Xtina's version because it's just a little bit more 'true'.
Words of Wisdom
Just read this post from Shelli's Sentiments about recognising the good things about the people you love whilst they are still with you.
It's led to the creation of a web site, Letters for the Living, so that people can write open letters to those that mean something to them (sort of like PostSecret is to people with a secret they need to share).
What a great idea it is to provide a protected environment for people to express those things that are often just too darn hard to say out loud. I reckon it will be a hit... and although i'm not good at expressing all that mushy stuff, if I ever send you a link directly, please read it :)
In the same vein, there's this post from Coffee Soup where Michele writes about losing her Mum to a form of cancer. Choked.Me.Up. Bring your tissues if you have any mother issues... or maybe that's just me?
It's led to the creation of a web site, Letters for the Living, so that people can write open letters to those that mean something to them (sort of like PostSecret is to people with a secret they need to share).
What a great idea it is to provide a protected environment for people to express those things that are often just too darn hard to say out loud. I reckon it will be a hit... and although i'm not good at expressing all that mushy stuff, if I ever send you a link directly, please read it :)
In the same vein, there's this post from Coffee Soup where Michele writes about losing her Mum to a form of cancer. Choked.Me.Up. Bring your tissues if you have any mother issues... or maybe that's just me?
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